Crystal Clear Blue
by Ellixer
Summary: I changed the ending of the Finale so that Xena does live instead of that horrible copout.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Crystal Clear Blue

Rating: NC-17

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: As with most people, I detested the finale of the show. So this is after Gabrielle Does bring Xena back. The resulting pain and love.

Pushing to pull me closer to you dear

Deeper than gravity is how I must be near

Maxwell

I'm wondering how many more times we'll lose each other? How many more times are we going to have to fight to see the other again? I can't really take comfort in the fact that we will be together in some way every lifetime; because I'm living this life right now. I just want to stop, if only for a short time, and live a life free of death, a life with just us.

She's over there filling the water skins, both of us quiet for the moment in the darkness. I refused to stay any longer than we had to. I have to leave this mountain, this region to feel any bit of security whatsoever. Her death was so close to permanent, I haven't come to terms with that just yet.

We move on again, and I can't bring myself to touch her. I'm too afraid that this is all an illusion, or a dream that I'll wake from and Xena will be gone. I can tell she senses my tension, but does nothing to fix it. Right now I just want to walk till I collapse. So that is what we do.

Days have passed, and we are still not close enough to home; but we are nearly out of Chin. With both Chin and Japa behind us I might rest easier but I can't say for sure. Few words pass between us, not that she hasn't tried I just can't speak quite yet.

We finally cross out of Chin and I can't seem to hold anything in any longer. I stumble off my horse, collapsing to the ground as sobs rack my body. Grief. Xena rushes to me, holds me as strongly as she can in her arms. She is not without her own tears.

'Xena.' I try to speak, to say everything that I'm feeling but I can barely form words in between the sobs that continue to rattle through my body.

'Shhh.' She tries her best to comfort me, it's nearly impossible at this point. I grasp her face in my hands, our lips crush together but mine do not stay on hers long. I pepper her face and neck with little kisses in a desperate attempt to feel and touch. Xena finally manages to separate us, resting her forehead against mine. My breathing is ragged, I can't seem to reign in my feelings.

'Gabrielle.' She starts but I don't let her finish. I explode upward and away from her.

'I can't do this anymore Xena!' I make no attempt to stifle the tears that flow like a river from my eyes. There's pain in hers as she fumbles for the right words to say.

'I…. What do you mean?'

'I can't keep losing you. It's killing me.' I drop back to my knees in defeat.

'I promise..'

'You can't promise!' I cut her off before she can speak a lie. My words hit her like a sword slicing into her chest. She physically shudders and gulps down her own tears. 'How many more times Xena? You're not going to keep coming back. It's going to be permanent one of these times.' Can she not see the desperation, the pain that is reeking out of my every pore?

'Do you not remember the promise you made before?' I show her my palm where a scar flows across the skin. I grab her hand, showing her own palm with matching scar to her. I grasp our hands together.

'You promised yourself, your soul to me. That you wouldn't hurt me.' I speak of the quiet bonding ritual the two of us shared with no one else. Just Xena and I, under the stars one night mixing our blood forever and every lifetime. She can't seem to form words but the tears are flowing freely down her cheeks now.

'Xena…' I just don't know what more I can say. Letting go of her hand, I slump down in defeat.

'Im sorry Gabrielle, I'm so sorry.' She grasps me again pulling me against her; whispering these words into my ear, over and over like a mantra. 'It hurts me too.' She finally manages to whisper. I know it does, but it doesn't ease my own pain.

'Can't we just stop, just for a little.' I plead with her.

'I will do anything to make you happy.' Her eyes search mine. And we just stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. Finally I pull away.

'I need to get some wood.' I have to step away for just a moment, compose myself and my thoughts. She lets me go without a word. There is snow on the ground and I'm only just beginning to notice it. When I gather enough kindle, I return to our camp. Xena has set up a partial shelter to reflect the heat of the fire, and to protect us from any more snow that might fall.

After I get a fire going, I sit on the ground trying to breathe and bring peace back. It's an impossible task. I feel her fingers softly on my shoulder. Craning my head up I see her hand extended down towards me. I give in, giving her my hand and letting her lead me back to the shelter. We sit down together as she wraps a fur around us both, pulling us closer together. I lay my head against her shoulder, staring into the fire. There's no more for me to say.

'You know I love you.' She whispers. All her words come out quiet as if each syllable is a struggle to say.

'I know.' I do, with all my heart. My eyes fall closed as I try breathe in her familiar scent, feel her warmth radiate against me.

'Gabrielle..' She turns to look at me, I stop her with a finger to her lips. There's no more for us to say right now. I've memorized her face so many times before but I feel like I'm looking at her for the first time. My thumbs run across her lips and down her face. I take her face in the palm of my hand, bringing her closer. Our lips meet again, this time I'm more gentle and soft. I want to kiss her for an eternity. Our tongues meet in a slow intimate dance.

I move to straddle her lap, wrapping my arms around her neck. I don't feel the cold, only Xena. Her hands run up through my hair as she moans into my mouth. I could be slow, I could be gentle, but at this very moment I feel an urgency and a need that I have to quench. My hand clenches her hair pulling her head back and exposing her neck. I lick at the exposed skin, then I latch on and suck, making sure to mark her. I want what's mine.

Her fingers grasp at my back, grabbing the material attempting to remove it. I grab my sais bringing it up to the laces that bind my top to me. In one movement I slice the lace causing the material to open. She pulls the top away from my body, her hands warm against my back. I abandon my sais, grasping for the material of her kimono, ripping it away from her skin. The cold hits our exposed flesh, causing bumps to raise on our bodies.

I return to her neck, feeling her pulse beneath the skin. My fingers splay across her breasts, just relishing the feel of them in my hands. Her skin is so warm. A groan escapes my lips, reverberating against her skin. She gasps, nails digging into my back. I can't stand to be away from her lips for long so I go on a search for them. It takes seconds for me to find my treasure. I bite her bottom lip lightly, pulling, before I let go, my tongue tracing across the same spot.

I push her down against the furs, straddling her stomach at the same time. Slowly I grind, her body pushing up against me. Xena's hands slide slowly from my hips up my body, fingers stopping just under my breasts which bounce with my movements. But this isn't quite enough.

I flatten my body against hers, my fingers begin an exploration of her every curve. There's no point in waiting, once I'm close enough I thrust four fingers into her. My thigh pushing against my hand for extra friction and power. Her immediate reaction is to shout, body arching up into the air. My lips capture a nipple, my tongue flicking across it as I suck. A sheen of sweat covers us both.

Xena's body starts to tense, her walls spasming against my fingers. But that is not going to stop me, I just pump my fingers harder and faster until she comes again, a scream escaping her lips. Finally, I collapse against her, my energy depleted. I can't seem to stop the tears that come to my eyes, but the love I feel is overwhelming.


	2. Chapter 2

And you could come to stay  
Yes you could come right home  
Don't see why I have to  
Live this life all alone.

John Butler Trio

My sleep is not restful and it does not last long. I extract myself from Xena, careful to not wake her. I'm still on edge and in pain. I never expected my life to turn out like this. Grabbing my clothes, I cover myself to keep the cold away. The night is dead silent, not a single noise to distract me from my thoughts. So I walk.

There's no plan or path, my feet just move and the body follows. For the first time I am enjoying the peacefulness of my surroundings. It may be silent, but that silence seems to be filling me up. I stop, spreading my arms out and looking up into the black sky. It feels like there is something down in the pit of my stomach that is trying to claw its way up my throat. I drop to my knees, hoping some God hears me, whether it be Eli's or anyone else's.

My soul feels exhausted. I feel like I should be crying, but all my tears have been spent. How will I ever accept the fact that Xena sacrifices herself for others? It's what I've preached to her for years, but I can't handle the consequences of what she's learned. What kind of person does that make me? I'm not as good as I try to be, I'm completely selfish. If I had to choose between her and the lives of five thousand people…I'd choose Xena every time. I lose her and I lose a part of my soul.

Where does all this leave me now? Still in pain from her loss, in shock that I have her back. We were a family once, for a short time. I had hoped that would be enough for her, but her spirit is restless and is always on the move. I know deep in my heart that we can never settle anywhere. I can always hold that hope close though. I wish I was enough for her, but I don't think I'll ever be.

My body collapses all the way down. The snow is hugging my body, but I don't notice the cold it brings. I'm the only one who can fix the state I'm in. I already know what Xena can and will do, I just need to decide how I'm going to live with it.

I'm not sure how long I remain here, but I do not stir till the sun begins it ascent in the sky. I'm probably frozen, but I'm numb at the same time. I can't stand that this is my path, my destiny. But if with any other path I'd have to walk alone I could never choose it.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Crystal Clear Blue

Rating: NC-17

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: As with most people, I detested the finale of the show. So this is after Gabrielle Does bring Xena back. The resulting pain and love.

Another day is beginning, the sun high, the wind cold, the pain still aching. If I could forget the image of her body hanging, devoid of head and what I felt at that exact moment, then life would be ok again. The bitter cold is finally beginning to leech into my bones. I'm happy to feel something different.

'Gabrielle!' She's calling for me. I know she has been up since I walked away from the campsite. Staying away to let me deal with the turmoil my own way. I love her, she's alive, that is what I need to hold onto. But I can't help but feel that there is a part of me that will not recover.

'Gabrielle.' Xena's face appears above mine, for a moment I swear she's an angel. Hands desperately search my body, verifying there are no wounds. She bundles me up into her arms, walking me back to the camp. Without letting me go, she sits back upon the furs, wrapping one around us. Hands rub and down my arms in an attempt to warm me. I'm beginning to notice just how cold I am. My teeth chatter and my body shakes.

'Tell me what to do.' She pleads, lips against the top of my head.

'Stop dying.' I chuckle but I'm not sure why I find it funny.

'Gabrielle.' It's whispered as if a sigh.

'Imagine what I'd be like if you were really dead.' Again I chuckle, but choke back a sob and a fresh onslaught of tears.

'If there was another way…' I'm noticing she's talking but isn't actually saying anything. What can she say? What was done had to be done. At least that is what she always says. Somehow sacrificing is always the way she has to go. If it had been me would she have fought any less than I did?

'I'll be fine Xena.' I won't, but I will cope. I'm going to have nightmares the rest of my life. 'Just give me time.'

'If it's better that I leave…' My body turns, hand slapping across her face. My reaction is so unexpected, even by me. I turn back away, she doesn't let go of me though and I can't move.

'Xena….. I wouldn't have fought so hard to get you back just so you could leave.' My jaw is clenched, the words are forced. My anger is making me tremble more than the cold.

'I just want you to be happy.' The anger dissipates in seconds. If I don't forgive her, she will leave. I turn to face her again, my fingers gracing her face where my hand had only moments ago struck.

'I'm happiest when I'm with you. Just when I close my eyes I see….' I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the image away. If feels as if I'm there; the lightning, the cold rain pouring down soaking every inch of me. I open my eyes again, fingers still stroking her cheek. 'I'm sorry.' I never meant to hit her. A softness is coming back to her features. Her eyes still glow with hurt.

'I'm sorry too.' She means it, I know. I rest my head against her chest, closing my eyes. I focus on trying to breath. One thing at a time and I can move on. Her heart beat provides a rhythmic mantra for my ears. I feel safe here in her arms. Slowly the pain is becoming less pronounced. I feel like I can breath for the first time.

I finally take the time to just melt into her, enjoy the warmth that only she can bring me. Her fingers trace up and down my arm. I don't have to remember these things because I have them right now. I'm overjoyed. Our breathing seems to sync, in and out at the same interval and time. Everything around us becomes still, the wind has even disappeared.

'Where do we go from here?' I whisper breaking the silence.

'Home.' We continue to breathe as if 1 person. I think the fire has died, I'm not sure; Xena's touch is beginning to captivate me.

'Xena?' I turn to look at her.

'Yes.' Her eyes shift to look into mine, deep pools glistening in the sun. I'm not sure what I want to say, what I need.

'Lets go find somewhere warm.' Her eyes question me but she never speaks. Without hesitation we gather our things and set out.


	4. Chapter 4

We continue on quietly. I suppose both of us are lost in thought. I feel better but I can't seem to let go. I wonder about the person I used to be, when I first started out with Xena. I was a completely different being then. No one would be able to tell that we are the same person.

We finally reach a town bustling with people. It feels as if we've traveled three seasons, but I know it hasn't been that long. I think I'm finally beginning to feel the hunger I've been ignoring. Xena dismounts her horse handing the reigns to me.

'I'll see if I can go find us a place to stay.' She says quietly, a small smile plays on her face as she looks at me. But it's quickly gone and so is she. I lead the horses to a stable, giving the man there some dinars to feed and wash them; grabbing the few possessions we I have and walk out into the marketplace. I used to love to shop and haggle. It feels like a distant memory but it really wasn't that long ago.

My fingers graze a silk shawl as I pass a stall. The owner calling out prices to me; I don't bite. I just want to feel normal for a moment. Browse the goods and pretend nothing bad has ever happened. Just for a moment; though I know that the person I am now has accepted the battles and the constant danger. I think I've finally lost that last little bit of naivety.

A warm hand touches my shoulder. I know who it is, she's actually been following for awhile now.

'Gabrielle.' I turn to face Xena. A hesitant smile on her face. 'I found a place to stay for the night, or longer if you want.' I feel guilty suddenly. In my own grief I have forgotten everything she has gone through. I reach up touching her arm. She seems both surprised and happy by this gesture.

'I'm exhausted.' I feel I was going to say something else entirely, but these are the words that come out. The room she's bought has a huge fireplace, a fire already blazing away. The sky outside is covered with dark clouds ready to burst, this makes the room that much more dark. A small platter of food sits on a table by the window. A wooden tub with steaming water sits to one side of the room; a large bed nearby.

'I thought you might not be up for a crowd.' She shrugs at me. I smile, small gestures are always the most important to me. I feel I should be the one offering these gestures. I stand on my tip toes, giving her a light kiss on the lips.

'Come on,' she says reaching for my hand, pulling me towards the tub. It looks as if its just big enough to fit the both of us. I hate bathing alone. We stop just at the edge of the tub, Xena's hands reaching for garments. I let her slowly undress me, feeling her hands graze across my skin every time something is removed. She keeps her eyes locked on mine. Soon there's nothing left, the cold causing the hairs on my body to rise. Her hands linger on my arms, her fingers delicately stroking.

I reach for her clothes, following a similar path on her body as she did mine. But when her clothes are gone all I can manage to do is look at her neck. I trace my finger across what would be the point her head was severed. Of course there's nothing there now, but I can still seem to feel it beneath my fingers.

Xena grabs my hand, stopping my fingers from remembering any more. She kisses my fingers softly then steps into the tub, offering her hand to help me in. The water is hot, and feels good against my cold skin. I sit between Xena's legs, leaning back against her with my eyes closed. She begins to run a sponge along my arms and neck, slowly cleaning the dirt from me.

I take a moment to just relish the way she touches me. It makes me feel safe, at home wherever we happen to be. I could never hate this woman.

'You know I meant what I said before.' She kisses my neck, wrapping her arms around me.

'What?' A lot has happened, I have no idea what she's talking about.

'That night, under the stars.' I remember that brief moment, the calm before the storm.

'What was that?'

'We should go away together. Take a break from the fighting.' I remember, I also remember not believing it at the time. She says a lot of things, but nothing she's ever truly meant.

'Do you really mean it?' I ask, opening my eyes and tilting my head back to look at her.

'Of course.' She looks at me as if she could not be more serious. I close my eyes relaxing again.

'Where would we go?" It's a beautiful idea, but there is no where we could run where a fight will not find us. 'And what about Eve?'

'She's on her own path. If she needs us she'll find us.' She puts her head against mine, her hands back to the task of washing me.

'Xena where would we go, what would we do?' I can't believe I'm the one arguing against this. I was the one trying to settle, but she resisted my efforts.

'I don't know, but we would be together.' She whispers her hand stopping. I turn my body what little I can to face her.

'Ok.' I say, giving her a kiss on the lips before standing. 'Come on I'm tired.' We dry off then discard the towels on the floor. No need to dress, I enjoy the feel of her skin against mine. We get under the furs, my back to her front. It feels as if she enveloping me. It takes very little time before sleep claims me.

_I turn around, looking in every direction for her body. I don't know what state it will be in, but I try to prepare myself for the worst. Out of the corning of my eye I catch a glimpse of something. I shift, moving towards the shape when lighting illuminates the horror before me. I drop to my knees unable to breath, chocking back the vomit that is fighting its way out of my stomach. For a moment I can't look, I don't want it to be true. I manage to stand again unable to comprehend._

I shoot straight up, leaning over towards the floor. I'm unable to stop the bile that is pushing its way out. I can feel Xena's hand on my back, her voice awash with concern.

'Gabrielle, are you ok?' The nightmare is vividly fresh, I retch again. 'Gabrielle?' I sit, hunched over the side of the bed, breathing as if I just ran from Greece to Britannia.

'Nightmare.' I manage in between gasps. Sweat is dripping from my body. In short I'm a mess. She rubs my back, asking for no further details. She knows nightmares all too well.

There's no possible way that I'll be going back to sleep soon. Xena pulls me against her, kissing the top of my head. We sit back against the wall, the furs pooling down around us.

'I'm sorry.'

'Stop saying that.' She's back, that's all that matters.

'Well I am.'

'Shut up Xena.' I grin a little. We ease back into a comfort I'd all but nearly forgotten. Her fingers play with my short hair, disheveled and wild on my head.

'I'm hungry.' She mumbles more to herself then to me. Dislodging herself from my body, she gets up and strides towards the table. I can't help but admire the soft sway of her hips. Long legs, round ass; I think I'm drooling. She strides her way back towards the bed, a mischievous grin on her face. I think I may have been caught staring.

She hops on the bed, causing me to giggle a little. They tray has an assortment of food on it. Not a lot, but just enough. Xena grabs a cold turkey leg and shoves it in her mouth. Her fingers moving grapes and cherries aside to see what's underneath. I grin, looking at her in surprise, though I shouldn't be.

'What?' She says, the leg still in her mouth. 'I'm hungwee.' I slap her arm playfully.

'You don't have to eat it all.' I'm fairly certain she forgot I was sitting next to her. She takes a bite out of the leg and sits it back down, her fingers covered in grease.

'Here.' She grabs a grape, plopping it in my mouth unceremoniously.

'Thanks.' I narrow my eyes at her in mock disappointment, I can't stop the smile though. Xena shrugs, shoving the leg back into her mouth. I can only seem to shake my head at her. Leaning back I watch her devour the food, loving every moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Night is beginning to settle in, and with it a storm that seems to vibrate the very air around us. Xena has fallen asleep again beside me, her breathing slow and even. I can't sleep but I don't want to anyway. This time can be spent doing better things, like memorizing her sleeping form. Her hair flows through my fingers like silk. It always feels this way just after a bath; I love running my hands through it.

A crack of thunder booms causing me to jump. The lightning starts to come fast and furious. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stop the memories from surfacing.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

I manage to push it down, but it's still there just below my skin. Slowly I get up off the bed, pulling my robe tight around me. I make my way to the fire, sitting down on the fur in front of it. It's much warmer here, the heat is chasing away the cold that has suddenly overcome me.

Breathe. Just breathe.

I prop my chin on the palm of my hand and close my eyes, listening. I can hear faint music, drifting out of a tavern. I try to focus on it, pick out each instrument, every note being played. Breathing deeply I un-focus my thoughts again. I feel slightly centered again, the flashing lightning not bothering me quite as much.

'You ok?' Xena's voice is soft.

'Yeah.' I pat the ground next to me, suggesting she sit. She sits down still naked, wrapping a blanket around us. We lean against each other in silence. Then Xena is the first one to move. I feel her knuckles caress my cheek. Her finger guides my chin towards her waiting lips, where we meet with a gentle kiss. It's soft, so very soft. She works her hands under my robe, pulling it away from me as her hands continue to move down my body. Her fingers feel like they are sending bolts of lightning through me, every touch causing me to gasp into her kiss.

Her tongue begins a slow exploration of my mouth, tickling as it runs across my bottom lip. However her lips don't stop there. She makes a path of soft wet kisses down the side of my neck. I'm so enthralled I don't notice as she ties my hands together with a scarf. I pull away slightly, looking her confused. She puts a finger up to her lips.

'Shh.' Xena slowly eases me down. One hand holding my bound ones above my head. Her tongue licks down between my breasts towards my abdomen. When it's path is made she softly blows on my skin.

'Xena.' I gasp her name, my back arching slightly. Her fingers come sliding down my body, the lightest of touches making my body tingle. Looking into her eyes, an intensity burns there. She looks at me with such lust as she peppers my stomach with kisses. That is not where she stops however. She pushes my legs apart, kissing down the inside of my thigh then up the other. My breath hitches when I feel her hot wet tongue slide up through my folds. I push my hips up against her groaning, relishing the contact her tongue makes. It flicks across my clit before finally slowly pushing inside of me, her hands grasping at my breasts.

I stop breathing entirely for a minute, arching up into her face straining my body against her. She grabs my hips, holding them down and preventing any more movement. Her tongue thrusts in and out slowly; I feel it curl up each time she thrusts in making me squeeze my eyes close. I'm gasping, trying to plead but I can never seem to get any words out.

She pulls her face away; the absence is almost too much for me. She slides her body against mine till once again her lips tease my neck. I don't have to wait long before her fingers replace her tongue. Again she is thrusting slowly in and out, but her body is now behind every movement. My hips move in sync but I want it so much harder than this. I'm breathing in short gasps, intermingled with groans and moans and any noise she causes me to make.

She continues to nip and suck my neck, her movements excruciatingly slow. A fire is building up, coursing through my veins and out my finger tips.

'Please..Xena.' My body is straining against, I just want more. She moves to look directly at me, barely centimeters from me.

'Shhh.' She takes my bottom lip into her mouth and sucks till it begins to hurt. She releases my lip but captures my mouth. Our tongues play against each other, my groans swallowed by her kiss. I'm so close, I just need it a little harder and faster to tip me over the edge. But Xena is refusing to comply to what my body is demanding. Her tongue slowly dances in my mouth, her body rocking against mine.

She intends to make me come from her tortuous movements, and by the Gods does she deliver. The intensity nearly kills me. My body arches up, my head back. A feeling grows from my center then explodes outward. All of my thought processes stop, little explosions going off in my body. A long deep groan takes the place of any words I might yell.

Xena holds me till I come back to reality, breathing hotly against my neck, her breathing just as ragged as mine. She reaches up freeing my hands from their bind. I wrap my arms around her, fingers digging into her back. I can feel a tear slide down my cheek, the emotion overcoming me. I try to hold the sobs but I have no control and my tears come pouring out. Xena just holds me tighter, letting me ride out the emotional rollercoaster.

'You ok?' She whispers as the tears begin to slow.

'I love you.' I'm so very happy at this moment. When I die, this is how I want it to happen.


	6. Chapter 6

I wish I could say that we lived happily ever after in splendid bliss. But what's a fairytale without a few bad guys? We pushed on, not going anywhere particular at first. We had some hope of running into Eve, but mostly our goal was to just travel unnoticed. I know this reprieve will be short lived so I enjoy every quiet moment I can.

We travel on towards home. My anxiety and nightmares have not left me, but they have eased. I have never once taken Xena for granted, and I plan on making sure I never do. The fates will always be against us. One of these times they just might succeed in their goal.

We arrive back in Amphipolis, a town that is trying to come back to life after hell broke loose upon it. Sitting on our horses, we look up at what is now Xena's tavern. It 's still run down and falling apart, a shadow of what it used to be. I cringe slightly at the memories from our last visit. We didn't stay for a reason, but I think Xena wants to honor her mother now by fixing it up.

At least we get to settle, even if it's but a moment. Maybe the battles will leave us alone for a little while. Sometimes I think about what life would have been like if we hadn't slept for 25 years. Raising Eve somehow out of the eye of the God's; visiting Cyrene and having big family dinners. That semblance of normalcy that my parents always so desperately wanted for me. Sometimes what I wouldn't give to go back and relive that little time we had; raising Eve as if she were my own.

The God's are against us though, and I don't know why. Well I do and I don't. I mean after the first five attempts to kill and separate us you'd think they'd leave us alone. But apparently it's something we have to struggle with in every lifetime.

Xena is silent next to me, apparently lost in her own thoughts as well. Finally she dismounts her horse, taking tentative steps towards the door.

'Are you sure you can do this?' I ask nearly silently, my words being carried away by the wind.

'I have to.' Her hand reaches the handle and she slowly pushes it open. Panic wells up inside me, but I quickly push it back down as I dismount my own horse.

'Where do we start?' This task seems slightly overwhelming. Xena turns looking at me.

'Here.' She shrugs at me. As good a place as any.

As night comes on we finally take a break. We've worked nearly non-stop, and in almost complete silence. We managed to clean the dust and cobwebs from every corner, clear a fireplace or two, and get one room clean enough to sleep in. I have a rabbit roasting over the spit in the kitchen. It feels like someone is watching me, my only hope is that it's Cyrene. She was like a second mother to me, never once questioning Xena's relationship with me, she embraced us both.

Xena is sitting at the table picking through the few things of her mothers that had not been looted. I know exactly how she feels. I didn't get to say goodbye to my parents either. One thing I do have is my sister and niece. Xena has Eve, but she doesn't have a connection to her past. Except me I guess, I'm not sure I count. I feel like I should say something to her, but I have no idea what that should be. I walk over behind her, place my hand on her shoulder. There's nothing to say but I want her to know I care. She reaches up, grabbing my hand and kissing it and lets out a big sigh.

'I never thought I'd miss her this much.' Her eyes are focused forward.

'Talk to her. The dead can hear you.' She sighs again, then gets up and walks out. I know now is a time she wants to be alone. Leave her to speak to her mother in some way. The kitchen is still in a bad state; I look around trying to remember what it once looked like. Herbs had hung on the walls, ready for recipes and elixirs. I wonder if we can bring back that happiness and comfort that this place once held.

I'm taking the rabbit off the fire when Xena returns. Her eyes are slightly red from crying. I never let on that I can tell. Xena hates weakness, and crying is a weakness. The fact that she does cry occasionally in front of me, is a testament to her trust in me. I don't take it lightly.

We eat in near silence, the quiet sounds of the town filtering in. A cold wind is whistling in through every crack and crevice in the walls. Despite the cold feel of this place, it no longer has that evil presence about it. It's been abandoned, but the love it once had still emanates from its pores.

'She told me she loved you like a daughter.' Xena breaks the stillness.

'She always made me feel like part of the family.' Such a polar opposite of my family; my parents detested Xena and the path she's led me on. Of course they could never understand that it was my choice, that our paths were the same. They could only see the person she used to be, not the person she had become. She reaches out and clasps my hands. 'She wanted me to give you something.' Reaching down, she grabs a pouch that is tied to her belt. She looks at it a moment before sliding it towards me.

I have no idea what this could be, or why she would want to give me anything. I give Xena a hesitant look, but her face is unchanged, she just waits. Taking the pouch in my hand, I slowly pull it open. A thin silver bracelet with an inscription drops out. I'm confused.

'Her mother gave it to her…on her wedding day.'

'But shouldn't you have this?' She shakes her head at me.

'You're family now. She would have given it to you herself.' She averts her eyes. I don't know what to say.

'Xena does this mean….' I feel like I'm going to cry. She looks at me, covering my hands with her own. Now I can't hold the tears back, they come freely and quickly.

'Our family name is inscribed on it.' Her eyes point to the bracelet. We had committed ourselves to each other long ago, promising the same things a husband and wife would. I didn't think Xena had ever told her mother though, or anyone. It was just something between us.

'I never needed anything.' I stutter, pulling my hands from hers and inspecting the bracelet.

'I told her a long time ago. She wanted you to have it then but everything went to Haedes.' She shakes her head sadly.

'Xena are you sure?'

'She made me promise, it's yours. You are my family.' I rush to the other side of the table and grab her in a hug. I never expected this level of acceptance from her mom. My own family would have disowned me.

'She was a good woman.' I whisper against her chest.

'Yes she was.'


	7. Chapter 7

Crystal 7

_The lightning flashes and I see her body hanging there. I fall to my knees, trying not to retch. I could never have prepared myself for this, never._

I shoot straight up in the bed, sweating and confused for a moment. My hand reaches out to the side in search of Xena, but the bed is empty. I take a moment to slow my breathing and listen to the sounds around me. Only the creatures of the night seem to break the silence.

Standing up I wrap myself in a fur. I can't seem to see Xena in the shadows of the room, she must be elsewhere. I move slowly out into the hall, all the training Xena has given me making me cautious. I try to listen, but still I don't hear anything.

There's nothing unusual about her disappearing at night. She sleeps very little and often goes off to find something to bide her time till morning. I creep past each room, checking for any movement within till I reach the landing. I find her as I descend the stairs, sitting next to the fire with a cup in her hand just staring at the flames. I make noise as I walk so she knows it's me, and rest my hand on her shoulder as I come up behind her.

'Everything ok?' I ask as she clasps her hand over mine, bringing it to her lips and kissing it.

'Fine, just thinking.' She sighs but smiles up at me. 'You have another nightmare?' She reaches up brushing hair off my forehead.

'Yeah.' Xena pulls me down to her lap, my head settling on her shoulder. She rests her chin on top of my head as she wraps her arms around me. My fingers play with her hair as I listen to the steady beat of her heart.

'They'll never go away, but they will become fewer.' I'm not sure how reassuring that is.

'I know; they're just so realistic. It's like I'm there again.' A small tear races down my cheek but I wipe it away quickly. She wants to tell me she's sorry but knows how that is getting on my nerves, so she just hugs me a little tighter. The crackle of the fire and the warmth of her body begin to lull me to sleep again.

'I like it here.' I mumble, half asleep already. Despite the heavy memories it feels safe here.

'Me too.' She's quite. I can't tell if she's telling the truth or not, but have little time to think about it as I fall deeper asleep.

I wake up blinking my eyes several times, trying to remember where I am. Last thing I remember is being wrapped in Xena's arms, but now I'm once again in bed under a blanket. I shift around and find Xena still asleep, laying on her stomach next to me. Bringing my fingers up, I brush the hair away from her forehead. The only time I can really look at her is when she's sleeping. It' the least guarded moment in her day, though she still manages to keep a few walls up. I don't know how she does that. Her face is often unmarred by worry and anger and is just peaceful and calm. I can't help but stare at her neck expecting to see a long gash or scar there. It's not a memory that will easily be shoved away. I'll never forget, but I hope to ignore it eventually.

'Stop staring at me.' Xena doesn't open her eyes but brings her arm across my waist, pulling me closer.

'I wasn't staring.' She mumbles something in response. I roll over her so I'm on her back.

'What have you been eating?' She mocks me but I ignore her. I brush the hair away from the back of her neck and capture the skin with my lips.

'You were saying?' I smile against her neck as she makes a small moan. I roll back off and give her a kiss on the cheek.

'Hey I was just starting to like that.' She pretends to pout.

'Xena the Warrior Princess shouldn't pout.' I laugh as she narrows her eyes at me. Her arms wrap around me once more and we grow quiet. 'Xena, you realize that it takes more than one lifetime to atone for all the sins you've committed.'

'I know.' She sighs.

'So sacrificing yourself will not wash your hands clean.' She sighs again, letting go of me as she gets off the bed. But she doesn't say anything as she begins pulling her clothes on. She's wearing a simple silk dress that hugs all the right places, and always makes me want to do so many things to her body. I groan at her in exasperation. 'Xena?' She finally turns, her eyes have hardened.

'I'll do what I have to do.' She pivots on her heal, stalking out of the room in a huff. She can be so pig headed sometimes, but if she thinks I'll stop telling her, well then she obviously doesn't know me very well.

I can hear her shoving things around and mumbling to herself. I give her time before I decide to head downstairs, listening for the tantrum to quiet. When I descend the stairs, she's on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. The tile has lost its sheen; it all looks dull and grey. I sit on the bottom step and watch her. The muscles in her shoulders and back are tense with exertion.

'Sitting there is not helping any.' She says over her shoulder, not even pausing in her rhythm. I stand up, chuckling a little to myself.

'Where do you want me?' This causes her pause. I know she can hear the suggestion in my tone, and is considering her options carefully.

'The kitchen.' She says finally, returning to her duty.

'You're no fun.' I slap her butt as I walk by her on my way to the kitchen.


	8. Chapter 8

Crystal 8

I'm exhausted as night rolls around, but the kitchen looks like I remember it. Well probably a little better then I remember; I tried to fix everything. I got the well pump working again and now we're able to get clean water from it. I've barely seen Xena all day. After spending hours cleaning the floors, she was in and out of the tavern getting supplies. Tomorrow will be another long day as we have planned to work on the roof. That alone is sure to take a few days; I just hope the weather holds out.

I'm sitting down on a fur in front of the fire in our room. I'm trying to rub the pain out of my feet, but I think that might take a few hours. Xena comes walking in, hair wet, a towel wrapped around her body, and two steaming mugs in her hands. With a bright smile she hands me one as she sits down next to me.

'Feel better?' I give her a nudge with my shoulder.

'You could say that. Had some tar I couldn't get off.' She looks at me giving me a sly grin. 'Don't you want to wash?'

'Yeah I guess, wouldn't want to be too smelly.' I wrinkle my nose, laughing.

'Drink your tea and I'll help wash your back.' Her tone becomes seductive and I suddenly realize what she's saying.

'Well I don't have to drink it.' She gives me a small chuckle.

'It will relax your muscles. Don't worry I'm not going anywhere.' The tea feels so warm and soothing as I drink it, that I actually take my time.

'You know Xena, I used to think life was so simple, everything laid out in a clear path. Then I met you.' She cocks her eyebrow up and I laugh. 'You opened my eyes.'

'Ditto.' She grins.

'It's starting to come together.' Xena nods thoughtfully. 'What are we going to do with it once it's all fixed up?'

'I don't know.'

'Maybe Sara would like to run it. She's trying to figure out what to do with her life.' Again Xena just nods. I place my hand on her back and rub it up and down. 'What is it?'

'I just wish I could have been here.' Knowing your mother was burned at the stake is cold comfort, but then again my parents were beheaded.

'She's proud of you, you know that.' She turns, giving me a warm smile.

'Come on before the water gets too cold.' She grabs my mug from me then pulls me to my feet. The wash room in the tavern is one of the more unique ones I've seen. At the far end of the room, near the ceiling is a large basin full of water. A fire is lit underneath it to heat it, and a series of pipes lead out of its bottom to three different shower stalls. You release a stop and the water comes out, not too fast and not too slow. The water drains under the stalls going outside to the gardens.

We step into the wash room, and as I begin to remove my clothes Xena relights the flame under the basin. I remove the stopper from the pipe above me, releasing water that is still quite warm. Xena comes up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist, her chin on my shoulder.

'Maybe you're right.' She sighs quietly in my ear. I turn in her arms and look up at her.

'About what?'

'The life of a warrior isn't a long one and at some point we're going to run out of second chances.' There's sadness in her eyes but I'm not sure if it's from the thought of not being a warrior or something else.

'Xena, if we have to die as warriors, at least we will have died for something.' I bring my hand up to her cheek; she leans into it closing her eyes for a moment.

'No Gabrielle, I'm tired.' Her blue eyes open, piercing into mine. 'I'm tired of the grief and the pain, and the thought of losing you.' She pulls me against her and I can tell she's crying even though her tears are mixing with the water. I wonder when it all changed for her. Was it in Japa too, or before that when she mentioned going off somewhere together? She'll probably never tell me but I embrace it all the same.

I pull away reaching up to her neck, bringing her lips down to mine. We stand there, water washing over us, kissing gently as if we have all the time in the world. She picks me up in her arms, causing me to squeal. I wrap my arms around her neck afraid we'll slip. Xena's laughing as she walks with sure footing carrying me to the room and depositing me gently on the bed.

She leans over me, a hand on either side of me. I reach up and push some hair behind her ear, my hand cupping her cheek.

'Xena, whatever you want, I'll do without question.' She smiles as she leans down to kiss my lips.

'All I want is you.'

TBC in Bloodlines


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